Rufflez x Vard
by Octosquidy
Summary: Rufflez and Vard find true love, and learn proper dental hygiene.


It was a summer night like any other, the gentle glow of twilight had just began to cover the city as the harsh heat daytime turns into a gentle warmth of the evening. Rufflez has just gotten off work and was about to meet up with his girlfriend, Nightbot. He wasn't sure about what he was doing with his life or even what Nightbot was doing... In fact, Nightbot just kind of did whatever she wanted. The only thing Rufflez was sure about was that he hated black people. He even wore Confederate flag underwear! From Martin Luther King Jr. to young Michael Jackson, they all made him sick to his stomach. But that wasn't the point. Right now he didn't know what to do. "I suppose I hate black people because I'm insecure,"

Rufflez murmured to himself as he handed a small child a pack of cigarettes. I mean at least he had Nightbot, right? Well, he was wrong. While he was trying to give all of these children lung cancer at the local park, Nightbot was cheating on him. And then he found out for himself. When Rufflez turned the corner, what he saw made him drop his Dewshine™. As the Dewshine™ burned a hole into the cement below him, tears welled up in Rufflez eyes' as he saw Nightbot raping his dog. When Nightbot saw him, she didn't look sad or even sorry in the least. All she did was glare menacingly into his soul. Ruffles knew she loved his dog, but not this much right? Surely she hadn't been using him to get to his dog... right? Well, he was 100% wrong. "Nightbot I…"

Rufflez couldn't find any word. What words could be said here? "Rufflez, I hate you. I've always hated you. Leave now, I'm taking your dog, too."

Nightbot's stare was as cold as ice, the implication was plain. "Nightbot".

Rufflez was desperate for a way out, a way to just make it all go away and then he remembered. His good friend Vard would know what to do, but Vard was drafted into MLG, his skill was needed in the great CoD Wars between MLG and the SAIL (the Squeaker and Illuminati Legion). Nightbot left Rufflez' dog and started towards Rufflez. He began to walk backwards away from the attacker, and Nightbot scooped up a shard of glass from the broken Dewshine™ bottle and broke into a sprint towards Rufflez.

Suddenly music was playing. It was coming from atop a building across the street; both Rufflez and Nightbot stopped and looked over, hoping for an answer to the question "wheres the song coming from"? Suddenly Rufflez recognized it. Darude-Sandstorm. Rufflez only knew one person who liked this song. "No way. It couldn't be. Could it"?

As the song got louder and the triplets more rapid, when the song reached its climax a figure jumped off the building, landing on the ground with a rather metallic thud. it was Vard. "RUFFLEZ!" Vard was smiling "hold this"

Vard tossed Rufflez his official MLG flask filled with MountainDew™ and Rufflez caught it, barely. Rufflez pulled out a sniper rifle and pointed it at a jaw-dropped Nightbot, he aimed, and he fired. The bullet whizzed by her head, and surprised both nightbot and Rufflez. But Vard waited, patiently and Rufflez realized that the shot didn't miss! As Nightbot opened her whore mouth to say something a knife stuck into her neck. Vard licked his lips and said "sorry, i was supposed to hit the dumpster behind you have the bullet ricochet off the dumpster into that airplane" Vard pointed up" and then come down into your foot, but instead the bullet hit Rufflez' dog, so i had to throw a knife"

. Nightbot collapsed into a heap on the ground and Vard walked up to Rufflez, and squeezed his buttcheeck and said "hey cutie, how have you been?"

Vard and Rufflez went to a coffee shop nearby, and they sold the dead dog for twelve dollars, and in turn used the twelve dollars to buy a few drinks and watch Rufflez' dog ascend to heaven. Rufflez couldn't wait any longer "Vard why are you back so soon, your tour wasn't supposed to be over for another six years".

Vard smiled and replied "that's true, but for every 360 no scope you get they take a week off of your tour time"

Vard explained. Wait… so that means…"Vard you got like five hundred 360 no scopes"?

"damn straight"

Vard took a swig of his Coffee "and I found out I'm gay or something so that happened"

. Oh… Oh my… Rufflez was scared and intrigued. Long story short, it sounded like a drill sergeant was insulting Vard and got to something about liking dick, and when Vard answered yes a few of his friends pulled him aside and explained what gay was to him. Vards innocence was so precious, it's a shame that it had been crushed. Rufflez always thought it was cute, but now that Vard wasn't innocent he wasn't cute anymore. He was… hot. As they were leaving the shop, Rufflez dropped his keys and when he bent over to pick them up, he felt something hard poke him in the anus. When he looked over he saw Vard, his 4-incher throbbing visibly through his pants. Rufflez stood up, blushing like an idiot.

"Sorry Vard, I didn't mean to bump into you like that"

"Its fine, don't worry about it" Vard was blushing just as bad.

They went back to Rufflez' place, since Vard hadn't planned his stay when he got back.

Without a second thought the two of them laid down in Rufflez' bed and went to sleep, it was a Friday night and neither of them had anything to do for a few days; it would be a good night's sleep.

Vard woke up; it was just beginning to get light outside. He looked over at a clock; the time was 6 A.M. He'd never gotten up this early before, not even during the war. But either way there was morning wood to be taken care of. Vard went to the only toilet in the apartment and prepared himself to unleash his unholy flood of urine. But sadly he sneezed, sending pee all over the bathroom, he slipped on it and swore loud enough to wake up everyone in the apartment complex. Rufflez stormed into the bathroom wearing nothing but a nightrobe and worn-out bunny slippers.

"Vard I swear to fucking god! I just wanted to sleep in a little and you piss all over my bathroom and scream?!"

"I'm sorry! Don't be so upset, I'll clean it and it isn't the end of the world man!"

"Jews were killed over less! Rwandan's were killed for no reason at all!"

This comment made Vard get up and start wiping things off immediately.

After about an hour of cleaning the bathroom they both changed into their day clothes, Vard just wore basketball shorts and a bro-tank while Rufflez wore very skinny black jeans with a cyan T-shirt. Vard always liked Rufflez, but could never bring himself to say anything, mostly because Nightbot scared him; well Nightbot scared him before MLG drafted him anyways. But once Nightbot Duct-taped Octosquidys mouth shut because she didn't like what he was saying, and proceeded to push him down an up-escalator at the Leotrepartington Mall. After falling down stairs for two hours straight he was beyond recognizable. We don't talk about Octosquidy. But now that Nightbot was probably dead everything's better now. As Rufflez moved around his apartment to do things Vard took glances at his ass and in general his delicious body. Rufflez had a womanish figure that was cute, and he even took girly stances without knowing it.

"Rufflez it's unfair!"

Rufflez shot him a curious glance "what do you mean?"

Shit. He thought out loud yet again. He couldn't think of a good lie either.

"you know, how um… those poor kids… in Africa" a sudden look of disgust replaces the usually cute and soft look on Rufflez' face. How could he have forgotten how Rufflez feelings about black people! Shit shit shit!

"I mean the white ones! You know, stuck with all those filthy blacks in Africa."

Rufflez face looked concerned now "I never even thought of them.. oh god poor little things" damn… He never meant to bum Rufflez out.

"But let's not think on that, instead lets go do something! Maybe Riguss is streaming."

"Nah, don't you remember Vard? He was sucked into a wormhole when Abbadonsins' experiment went south."

Oh yeah. That.

"Well we could go to the park? It's still early enough to get swings or something."

Rufflez smiled "sure, I'd like that."

Once they reached the park, they sat on the swings while it was still void of any people or noise aside from the occasional chirp of a bird

"Vard?" Rufflez wasn't sure how to express his new feelings towards Vard yet. But he had to try.

"Recently I've developed"-

He was cut short from a lightning strike thirty feet in front of them, where a wormhole opened up, and none other than Abbadonsin steps out of it backwards, his lab coat torn and himself covered in cuts and bruises.

"Fuckin' 'ell!" Abba screamed the wormhole.

"just let me be ya' damned pain in the arse!" a foot with a dress shoe stepped through the portal, then another foot, this one made entirely of metal. The figure straightened his bow-tie and proceeded to dust off a top hat and put it on his head. It was Mecha-Abraham Lincoln!

"yer a bloody skum covered"- Abba was cut short by Mecha-Abraham Lincolns fire breath. The fire engulfed him entirely, leaving behind nothing but ashes and the metal goggles that were on Abbas head.

"Hello gentlemen" Mecha-Abraham Lincoln turned to them

"looks like Abba is all" Mecha-Abraham Lincoln pulled out some sunglasses"Burnt out. YEAAAAHHHHHH" mecha Abraham linolc put on the glasses and activated his rocket boots, flying all the way to the moon screaming "REMEMBER TO BRUSH YOUR TEETH CHILDREN! AND TO FLOOOOOOoossss~" and just like that he was gone. Rufflez and Vard Began kissing and it turned into a make out session as they moaned intensely. Nothing more romantic had ever happened to either of them, and they had a good life. GG Mecha-Abraham Lincoln, GG.


End file.
